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Year 1 - Semester 7


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Break Me [Collab]

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Break Me [Collab]

Post by Elle on Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:14 am

Note: This CL is a collaboration by only two writers - Elle and MudBlood_Mistress.



Okay, this is going to be open, let's take it anywhere we can, go nuts.
Though, I'll make our protagonist easy - Hermione (I write her the best).


BEGIN...

--


Her life, a cruel and unbelievable twist, as she stood in an alcove of the library, her hands to her throat. His breath still patterning across her neck, his hands rough, pressing her against the wall. Hard, painful.
Tears welled in her eyes, and she sunk to the floor, hugging her self with the last of her strength.
She fell from her sitting position, a crumpled heap. And as she sobbed her last sob, she made a promise to herself.
Never again.

--


Alright, continue, my darling. We will try and have these little conversations in italics.

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

Post by MudBlood_Mistress on Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:37 am

After an hour of sobbing, she decided she would have to leave. She was covered in blood, and her clothes were ripped, but it was after hours anyway, so she could make it to the Common Room fine.

As she walked, she wondered if she should tell anyone. 'Certainly not,' she whispered to herself. 'Malfoy's father would throw a fit.'

She whispered the password to the Fat Lady, who, without even opening her eyes, gave a sleepy yawn and swung open. Hermione let out a sigh of relief when she saw the Common Room was empty, and slowly made her way up to the dorm.

'Never again,' she repeated to herself. 'Never again.'

--

How's that?

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

Post by Elle on Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:45 am

Auhtor's note only:

Alright. Just want to note, the 'never again' was a kind of empowering statement by a woman who has been used by a man and will never allow herself to be in that situation again.

You are ALOT further along than I was at your age, which is great. You have FANTASTIC SPaG. Your plot-setting could use some work, but its just something you pick up as you go.

We'll try and work on characterisation at the moment. Remember, she's a broken woman, but from deep inside her there is a shining power that will raw up inside her. This is what keeps her going.

I like the 'whispered' part. I can tell you, after something like that, that should could be speaking would have ruined it. Whispering was perfect.

I'm glad you don't do what many young writers do (and I certainly did). Alot of them jump the time, everything happens to quick. You have good pacing.

I'm actually a little shocked that your only twelve, I thought you were at least four years older. Okay, we do need to set some ground rules. The story will progress, and her relationships will too. So tell me, I'm not going to get some children's court on my back in this gets too graphic, am I? How high can our rating go?

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

Post by MudBlood_Mistress on Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:50 am

Why thank you, Elle. But what does SPaG mean? And the rating can be whatever you like, I read M's in fanfiction.net all the time. I don't mind.

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

Post by Elle on Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:13 am

Awesome. SPaG is Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation.

Shall we continue.


--

The next day sparked a new terror, going back into the world. Getting out of bed was the worst of it. But she was compelled, she wouldn't let him see, let him think he had the better of her. She was going to persevere.

The rest of the day went by in a flash, within Hermione hiding herself behind various books she didn't even read a word of. Her mind was drifting, concentrating on everything, and yet nothing at the same time. She was in a daze, and she didn't know how to escape it, and then it happened.

The sound of two boots in front of her, they were louder than anything she had ever heard, or was that her heart pounding in her ears. Her breath caught in her throat, and she nearly stumbled back as he stood before her.

--

I think perhaps it would have been better to have kept the Malfoy bit out of it before. Its quite closed us in now.

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

Post by MudBlood_Mistress on Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:21 am

Ah, right. Sorry. I think you might have to write the M bits, though. I don't think I could write it.

'Granger,' Malfoy drawled, his trademark smirk gracing his features. He looked around at the now empty Charms classroom. 'You seemed... distracted. Anything I could, ah, "help" with?' He reached out a hand and brushed her cheek lightly.

Hermione stared up at him in utter terror. She opened her mouth so whisper a quivering 'Fuck off' when running footsteps cut her off.

'Hermione! Hurry up! We'll be late for Herbology!' It was Ron.

Malfoy sneered, and retreated, leaving out a side door. Hermione gulped in a breath, let it out, then walked over to the door, where Ron now stood.

'What were you doing in there, Hermione?' He asked, shooting her a questioning look.

'Nothing,' Hermione replied briskly, starting to walk.

She wanted to get as far away from the Charms Classroom as possible.

--

Okay, how's that?

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Re: Break Me [Collab]

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