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Year 1 - Semester 7


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Jokes!

Post by MichelAngelo on Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:24 pm

So, post your latest jokes here! Even copied ones from the net! The only thing it requires is for us to laugh! Hell, even a funny avatar would do fine!

So here's mine!

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from Diarrhea, then does that mean that the t5h one enjoys it?

I know, lame, but I'm sure you could do better!
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Re: Jokes!

Post by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:51 am

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.
Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
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Re: Jokes!

Post by AsaeliaJayn on Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:55 am

The poor woman ...

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”


And I LOVE this one ...

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.


Last edited by AsaeliaJayn on Tue Jan 06, 2009 4:04 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Jokes!

Post by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Tue Jan 06, 2009 4:03 am

(this is wrong)

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."


A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?


Last edited by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Tue Jan 06, 2009 2:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes!

Post by AsaeliaJayn on Tue Jan 06, 2009 4:10 am

Heh ...

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?” The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”


This one was funny ...

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

“Sir, what is your name ?” ; asked the student

“John” ,

“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.

“Sir, what is your name ?”

“Jeff!” ,

“Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime “watching bubbles in bath”.

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - “What is your name?”

“Bubbles!”

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Re: Jokes!

Post by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Tue Jan 06, 2009 4:18 am

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"


10 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend

10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?

9. Well, your brother likes it this way.

8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!

7. Dare to compare?

6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?

5. Is it supposed to bend that way?

4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?

3. Just go away I can finish myself!

2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!

1. Is it in yet?
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Re: Jokes!

Post by Viper_snape_88 on Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:45 pm

that was a good one, ok here is one.
So this is in a 'ranchito' wich is a farm of Mexico and ranchitos are like little communities in wich nearly everybody knows everebody,and men are machosand wemen are supposly very summisive,Just in case you were wondering and the joke can make sence.

Son comes to hes father all exited and tells him " Dad I'm getting married"

"Thats so great son who are you getting married to?"

"to Juanita"

"oh, no you can't marry her"

"why?"

"Because she is your half sister"

"dammit"

Son goes and gets a nother girlfriend

" Dad I have a new girlfriend and I'm getting married"

"Who is it?"

"Silvia"
"hu no you can't marry Silvia"
"why the hell not"
"she is also your half sister"
Son goes and find a new girl friend

"Dad I have a new girlfriend"
"Who is it?"
"Julia"
"no you can't for the same reason she is also your half sister"
Dad was lokking proud to have fathered a lot of children out side his marriage, but the son went home furious he was cursing and slaming the door onhis way in, his mother saw him
"Whats wrong son why are you so mad"
"You think is fair mom every woman I want to marry my dad says I can't because they are all my half sisters"
"No son you merry any one you want, after all your father is not your real father"
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Re: Jokes!

Post by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Tue Jan 06, 2009 1:07 pm

If you don't like dirty jokes, don't read this.

Tricking a Nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"


The Nuns Regret
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
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Re: Jokes!

Post by MudBlood_Mistress on Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:46 pm

If you don't like dirty jokes, don't read!

Three ducks were swimming in a pond on a farmers property. The farmer, enraged that the ducks had trespassed, demanded they leave at once. When they refused, he took the to court.

The judge listened to the farmer hen he told him what happened, and then called the first duck up. "Duck," he said. "What were you doing in the pond?"

"Blowing bubbles!" he replied.

The judge called the second duck up and asked the same question.

"Blowing bubbles!" the duck said.

The judge wearily called the third one up and said in a tired voice, "Let me guess, you were blowing bubbles as well?"

"No, sir," the duck replied. "I am Bubbles!"

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Re: Jokes!

Post by Morgana Jocelyn M.J on Fri Jan 09, 2009 12:56 pm

Warning: Dirty jokes!

Condoms in Isle 12
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"


A cucumber, a Penis and an Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
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Re: Jokes!

Post by MissMarauder on Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:13 am

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."



HEHE- off the internet. I like it!
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Re: Jokes!

Post by AsaeliaJayn on Sat Apr 04, 2009 11:28 am

Ye gods, I like THAT one!!

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Re: Jokes!

Post by Sparrow on Sun May 10, 2009 9:28 am

Here's one I heard today... at church, none the less...

Two pastors are outside their church and have made a sign. This sign says in block letters 'Turn back now, the end is near!' They plan to hold up this sign to every car that goes past.

The first car goes past, and the pastors hold up their sign. The driver of the car says, "Get a life, you religious nuts! Go preach your rubbish to someone who cares!"

The car rounds the corner and then the two pastors hear a huge SPLASH.

One pastor turns to the other and says, "Maybe we should hold up a sign that says 'Bridge out ahead' instead?"


Lolz...
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Re: Jokes!

Post by MissMarauder on Mon May 11, 2009 1:49 am

That's funny!

This is sort of funny too!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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