quik-wit

Hola... this is where my funny stories (which is most of them) shall live.


Disclaimer: I DO NOLT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY CHARACTERS I USE UNLESS YOU've NEVER HEARD OF THEM THEN I MIGHT WELL OWN THEM!

Also I'm supposed to tell you about my usual writing style and so I will. I write very conversationally and have trouble doing otherwise. Also I'm looking for a beta still so they tend to have a few (dozen) mistakes, please forgive but also feel free to let me know (nicely please) and I'll try to them.

Please feel free to review any and all, here or there. I heart anyone who reviews!

Submission Form:one-shot

Fanfiction Username:quik-wit
Title:101 Things Draco Malfoy Wishes He Never Saw (and 3 That He Really Loved)
Rating:K+ - T
Chapters: 1
Words:1704
Summary: A list that's title makes it's contents obvious
Extract:--101 things I wish I’d never seen --
#1 – Crabbe naked (not like that, we’ve shared a dorm for six years you pervs!)
#2 – Goyle naked (actually this is almost worse than #1)
#3 – Blaise Zabini full on hammered
#4 – The stuff butterbeer is made of (why do you think I only drink pumpkin juice and
Firewhisky?)
#5 – Merpeople at feeding time (it’s a bloody, bloody thing)
#6 – Pansy’s G-string (I saw it when I accidentally bumped into her in the hall… I think
Granger was there too)
#7 – My father with short hair (he has extensions now, thank Merlin)
#8 – Aunt Bella and Uncle Rudolfous snogging under the mistletoe (I hate Christmas in
The Manor)
#9 – The third floor broom closet on a Friday night
#10 – Uncle Sev dancing on a table because of an eggnog overdose (Have I mentioned I
Hate Christmas?)
#11 – The “experiments” Professor Sprout’s growing in back of greenhouse #5 (can you
say hallucinogens?)
#12 – Granger in a bikini (Not a bad sight at all really but now I can’t seem to make it
leave my mind)
#13 – The Weird Sisters without their makeup on
#14 – Mother and Father in… er… compromising positions, brings a whole new
meaning to “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause” (once again, I HATE CHRISTMAS!)
#15 – The birthmark on my arse (it’s heart-shaped, what is less manly than a heart shaped
birthmark on the arse?)
#16 – Uncle Sev’s tattoo of a heart with the word “Bernice” in it (I’ve realized this may
well be less manly than my birthmark, especially because Uncle Severus has never known anyone named Bernice other than his Mum)
#17 – When a Slytherin guy asks if you want to see his “snake” say no: that’s all I’m
saying (it was 1st year! Okay, I was 11!)
#18 – The Gryffindor shower room – with Gryffindors in it (a prank gone oh so wrong!)
#19 – Potter beating me at Quidditch
#20 – Millicent Bulstrode and Goyle on a date (oh the horrible, revolting snogging!)
#21 – The “poems” in Valentine’s my many admirers send me each February (for the
record my eyes are not blue, they’re gray… GRAY)
#22 – the yearly fashion show in Diagon Alley (Pansy made me go with her one year,
snooze-fest… except the lingerie, that was sort of fun)
#23 – The Wonder Weasel (AKA Ronald Weasly) falling all over Granger even though
she’s clearly too good for him
#24 – Potter and the Weaslette snogging like mad (though this might fall under the same
number as #9)
#25 – Brown and Wonder Weasel snogging (once again a possible #9)
#26 – The flip book Granger made of the day Moody turned me into a ferret (who knew
she could DRAW too?!)
#27 – My attempt at drawing a Granger/beaver combo creature thing (Drawing: just one
more thing she’s better at than me)
#28 – Profesor McGonagall’s private quarters (oh the Catnip! The yarn!)
#29 – A baby house elf
#30 – Uncle Severus’ Private Rooms (the only home in the world that would make
Liberace step back and say “Whoa, no one is that gay”)
#31 – Blaise attempting to audition for “So you think You Can Dance” (So I’m Sure He
Can’t Dance… like at all… ever)
#32 – Pansy trying to “seductively purr”, her words not mine (it sounds more like she’s
got phlegm stuck in her throat)
#33- That time when Blaise’s dress robes “mysteriously” (*coughPotter&Wealsycough*)
blew up Marilyn Monroe style (Poor idiot ran out of clean pants that day too and
had to go commando)
#34 – Potter, in nothing but his boxers wandering around the corridors at night, I don’t
know why he was doing this to this day(I was so shocked I forgot to give him
detention)
#35 – The Gryffindors at the nude Quidditch match (I never should have challenged
Potter to that, I’m scarred for life really)
#36 – Two humongous Hufflepuffs, I think they might have been girls but the jury’s still
out, grinding into each other (the third years nearest to the incident may never
recover)
#37 – My “Stranger than Granger” poster painted over with grey muggle paint (honestly I
was just about to replace it with a Lovegood poster, I swear)
#38 – The way my “Loonier than Lovegood?” contest never took off (She won the
Stranger than Granger” Contest mentioned in #37)
#39 – Hippogriffs (I hate them more then I hate Christmas)
#40 - The Great Oaf Hagrid (pretty much ever)
#41 – Blast Ended Skrewts
#42 – Mother’s old owl Barnibus, as a child I was attacked by it (I had a house elf drown
the thing when I was eight, Mother still thinks it ran away)
Read the Full Story Here

Submission Form:one-shot

Fanfiction Username:quik-wit
Title:101 Things Hermione Granger Wishes She'd Never Seen (And 4 She Could See Over and Over And Still Enjoy It)
Rating:K+ - T
Chapters:1
Words:2209
Summary:A companion piece to 101 Things Draco Malfoy Wishes He'd Never Seen and once again the title pretty much covers the explaination
Extract:1. A part of Severus Snape that should never ever see the light of day (honestly, they should censor those pensives!)
2. The third floor broom closet on a Friday night
3. Hagrid without a beard (courtesy of Norbert, well Norberta but we didn’t know that at the time).
4. Ron on an empty stomach
5. My hair in the morning
6. Draco Malfoy without his shirt on (it wasn’t bad, really, but now I can’t quit thinking about it)
7. Pansy Parkinson's G-string when she bends over to pick up her books (it was Malfoy’s fault, he bumped into her, he probably even did it on purpose! That probably isn’t on his 101 Things I Wish I’d Never Seen List!)
8. Dumbledore in a Speedo (don't ask)
9. Crabbe's hand slowly going down Millicent Bullstrode's back and she does absolutely nothing about it (not even wretch!)
10. A 'P' on an OWLS report (it wasn't mine, thank gosh, it was Ron's but it was still scary)
11. My arse growing a long furry tail (it is more terrifying than it sounds!)
12. The Patil twins matching puce bras through white shirts at a rainy Quidditch match.
13. Ron getting Avada Kedavra'ed (no it didn't really happen, it was in a dream)
14. My life flash before my eyes (it was very... green)
15. Draco smirking at me (when I can’t figure out why he’s smirking)
16. Whatever it is Malfoy was smirking about in #15 (trust me)
17. A pair of bright pink hand cuffs in Ginny’s school trunk (erm... yeah)
18. Professor Umbridge's bare backside (that's why no one ever heard of how she was found after the centaurs carried her off, the mental scarring was be tremendous)
19. Harry snogging Ginny, or would it be the other way around? (this could also fall under #2 sometimes)
20. Grease from Snape's hair drip into Harry and Ron's potion causing it to explode.
21. The ground from three hundred feet up (that's why I don’t fly anymore… *shudder*)
22. Ron snogging Lavender and vice versa (another possible #2)
23. Draco and Pansy snogging (I don't ever want to see their tongues doing that again) (a third possible #2)
24. Professor Flitwick tall, so weird and wrong
25. Seamus sticking his grubby fingers up his nose and retrieving a large blue booger from the unknown (and then he ate it!)
26. Lavender’s butt (honest to Merlin there was hair there)
27. Ron's room when he is searching for the sandwich his mom made him the day before (boxers with mold on them hit me…. MOLD!)
28. Blaise Zabini when his dress robes mysteriously flew up, which had nothing to do with Harry or Ron (no matter what Mal-ferret says), sadly the poor bloke was hoping to get lucky that night too and so had decided to go commando
29. Fred with a stomach of a pregnant woman (new product testing)
30. Fred and George sleeping in the same bed in nothing but briefs (we just ran out of space, nothing dirty!)
31. A small whip fall out of Ginny's bag after a trip to Hogsmead (I decided to not ask)
32. My mom singing and dancing like she was Freddy Mercury (but only incredibly worse)
33. Draco Malfoy lipping what appeared to be 'I love you', but really was 'Elephant Juice' (I thought he was professing his undying love for me so I hexed him, and had to serve detention with him)
34. Harry touching Ron's nipple (Ron had shaved it and was allowing, *coughmakingcough*, him to touch it to feel how, and I quote, "Incredibly bloody awesome!" it was)
35. The muggle movie 'The Hills Have Eyes' (I was terrified of Draco for weeks... him being an inbred child and all)

SEE THE STORY HERE

Submission Form:one-shot (ultra-random)

Fanfiction Username:quik-wit
Title:Hello Dolly
Rating:K
Chapters: 1
Words:119
Summary:Neville as a young boy...
Extract: *sorry this is the whole thing, it's only 119 words long*
Why hello dolly! A pretty lovely, lace dress and shiny black Mary Jane’s were her ensemble and he was sure she’d never looked better. Her smooth, red hair in two curly pigtails, he just wanted to stroke it. Five year old Neville Longbottom was sure he was in love. But Gran wouldn’t let him do what he wanted, ever, and so he knew he’d never get closer to her than he was now. She was so innocent looking and sweet. He sighed. He just wanted her to play with him! But, as he said, Gran wouldn’t let him. His eyes were so full of longing it was almost unbearable.
“Nev, darling, why are starring at Granny’s doll collection again?”
SEE MY SADDEST STORY YET HERE

Submission Form:one-shot

Fanfiction Username:quik-wit
Title:You Know What Sucks?
Rating:K+ - T
Chapters:1
Words: 723 + Disclaimer + A/N = 806
Summary: I'm not really sure how discribe it, Hermione discusses the changes of a summer...
Extract:(once again the whole thing's less than 1000 so I'll just post it all)
You know what sucks? I seriously think I love make-up. I know it sounds odd coming from me, Hermione Granger, but it’s really true. This summer Ginny took me to the wizard version of a mall, it’s like a town of stores, and we went to an entire store devoted to make-up. I’d never realized how not-all-that-shallow make-up is. It’s very individual and creative, and you can do so many things, the possibilities are literally endless! Eye shadow, blush, eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, lipstick, and so so much more!
After we went there I’ll admit I got a little bit obsessed with figuring it all out, I spent probably eight hundred galleons on make-up, brushes, books and magazines, but you know me, I love knowledge of all kinds and this was uncharted territory for me.
Now it wasn’t on purpose I promise but in the process I might have, accidentally, became fashionable. I mean, it’s not like I was an ugly, hermit before but suddenly I knew that wearing neutrals together or two different prints at the same time was okay. And the oddest part of the whole thing was how much absolute fun I was having! For whole hours at a time I could go without worrying about my summer homework, it was done of course but usually I would’ve gone over them at least a dozen more times (this year I decided half a dozen was enough), it was so stress-less and free.
But once I got back to school the oddness began. I boarded the train in my adorable muggle clothes (an Alice + Oliva top in a beautiful summery yellow and some gorgeous Sass and Bide jeans in a super dark wash) and was suddenly bombarded by girls who were hurling compliments and questions (all of whom knew precisely who I was and were very impressed) and boys who kept asking who the new girl was (the butt brains).
And then Malfoy got on the train.
“Move it. Move it. Hello Prefect coming through. What the…? Doesn’t anyone llisten to an insanely sexy, authority figure anymore?” and then he was through the crowd that surrounded me, staring me straight in the Saturn Grey lined eyes, “Oh. This is what you’re all staring at? It’s just Granger, whoa wait, Granger?” and then he looked from my perfectly tweezed eyebrows and tame but still slightly wild curls to the flow top and tight jeans that were making my figure look like… well like I have a figure and his eyebrow rose.
“Yes?” I asked in a cautious voice, “Is there something I can do for you?”
He smirked at the innuendo, I blushed as I realized what I had said, “I mean, well I didn’t mean, well… you know,” I amended lamely, somehow blushing even harder… he smirked harder too.
“I don’t think I’ll respond to that one right now, I just say this, Granger you look good… for you,” he shrugged and worked his way through the rest of the crowd to his “usual” carriage. Even just six months ago an encounter like this with Malfoy would’ve included a much more grizzly ending, but now post-war, post-win, post-harry-kicking-who-know-who’s-you-know-what we’re almost entirely civil.
“Thanks,” it was a good thing I was already blushing to my maximum level because otherwise I would’ve reddened and he would’ve noticed (because he’s observant, along with marginally… well sort of…. Mildly… attractive…. Okay so I cave he’s totally hawt, that’s hawt not hot or hott but hawt) and thing would’ve gotten awkward fast. I guess make-up isn’t the ONLY change this summer, I may have developed a small, tiny crush on Draco Malfoy. Ginny and I have gone over every stage from denial to fury to slightly irritated acceptance so it barely even bugs me any more. But what does bug me is that he wants to be my friend, I think if I could just get away from him for a large chunk of time (say three or four years) I could get over this little crush-ish thing easy as pie… Draco likes pie, his favorite flavor is… whoa I’m getting really far off track anyway, he really seems to trying to be a slightly better version of himself and that makes his usual rather evil brand of hawtness even hawter. Doesn’t that just suck?
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Submission Form: one shot (the first in a series of 3)

Fanfiction Username: quik-wit
Title:Love At First Bite
Rating:K+ - T
Chapters:1
Words:1102
Summary: Two enemies trapped for Merlin know how long... what will happen? From a weary Head Girl's POV
Extract:A great deal of typical stories start in some overly cheesy, done to death way, like “Once Upon a Time”, however this is not your typical story and starts nothing like that. It starts with a distressed Head Girl’s speech.
“It happened like this: I was just walking along on way to Advanced Charms for Advanced Seventh Years, minding my own business, reading a book, when some thing (or should I say someone) came barreling into me! I’m a relatively small person, except the Freddie-Mercury-the-early-years-esque hair, and thusly I went flying.
“On instinct, my arms flung out and wrapped around the first solid thing I could reach, naturally this was my assailant. Instead of steadying myself though, I brought us both down. We stumbled like a drunken Hippogriff for a few steps then fell forwards through what had seemed, moments before, like a perfectly solid wall. I’ve read Hogwarts: a History cover to cover several (fine, eleven) times and never heard mention of any “trick walls” – trick stairs sure but walls?!- In any case a trick wall it was.
Through myself and my attacker, who I shortly discovered to be Draco Malfoy, went. We landed roughly, me lying atop him in an awfully awkward position.
“‘Granger, bloody hell, get off! How could someone so small be so bleeding heavy?” he groaned.
“‘Shut it, Malfoy,’ I snapped, ‘It’s your fault we’re even on the ground,’
“‘My fault? This is your fault!’ he drawled imperially (or as imperially as he could seeing as he was beneath me).
“‘What? How?’ I huffed indignantly.
“‘You grabbed me, did you not?’
“‘I wouldn’t have grabbed you if you hadn’t shoved me!’
“‘Sure you would’ve, Granger, but really if you wanted a good snog all you had to do was ask! I would’ve said no, seeing as you’re below me, but I know a bloke who would’ve happily obliged. For a fee.’
“At this point I was too frustrated to speak to the prat so I just rolled off him and prepared to put as much possible distance between me and him. And I did, unfortunately that amounted to around four steps.
“I frantically pushed against the wall we’d fallen through; when it didn’t let me through I turned around. The room, or more accurately the moderately sized broom closet, we were in was maybe ten foot by nine foot large space with a seven foot ceiling and a hard floor – all stone – effectively creating a not-really-all-that-large-for-two-people-to-be-in box.
“‘Granger, what in the name of Merlin did you do?’ Malfoy all but yelled.
“‘Nothing! If anyone did something it was you! You’re the one who started all this!’ I waved an expansive arm while he stood from the place he’d occupied on the ground.
“‘Why would I, a gorgeous, pureblooded Slytherin, want to be stuck here with you?’
“‘How do you know we’re stuck? I could’ve just been at the wrong wall!’ I went all around us pressing my hand against hard, unyielding stone, ‘AH! We’re stuck!”
“‘I believe I just said that, Granger.’
“I sank once more to the cold rock floor, back against the wall from whence we came. Malfoy did the same directly across from me. And there we sat, in silence, each checking our watch frequently, for what felt like an age.
“In reality it was four minutes and seventeen seconds until Malfoy said ‘You’re supposed to be smart, aye Granger? Why can’t you get us out of here?’
“‘As much as I’d like that, and already though of it, this smart girl had her wand knocked carelessly from her hand when an extremely stupid boy suddenly rammed into her out of no where. But Malfoy, aren’t you second best in our year? Why can’t you get us out of here, hm?’
“‘Because this devilishly handsome stupid boy was viciously attacked and dragged to what is possibly his very own crypt where no will ever find him by a supposedly smart, and possibly randy, Gryffindork girl after he accidentally bumped into her and also dropped his wand in the process.”
That statement was simply too untrue and embarrassing, and my companion was simply too frustrating, that there were no words that would come to my mind or mouth, so I gave Malfoy a shove. He fell backward into the wall behind him and rebounded forward again with a vengeance. He pushed me and as I went to retaliate he grabbed my wrists and turned me around effectively trapping me.
“I struggled, boy did I struggle. I kicked and yelled and screamed, but none of that worked he just held right on! So, I’m ashamed to say, I did the only thing my thoroughly freaked out mind could think of…well I…. I bit him! It was crude and childish but I worked.
He cursed and jumped away from me, ‘You bit me! You honest to Merlin bloody bit me! You crazy witch!’ he yelled.
“‘It’s not like I drew blood! And what about you? You were holding me!’ I defended.
“‘Holding you?’ Malfoy’s eye’s darted up from examining his “wound” and his eyebrow jutted towards his hair line.
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